A new dawn began

It's been some days since I last wrote, my last words filled with anger at myself rather than the situation I was in, for I was being untrue to myself. But I did defy and defeat my stupid fears, or what I tough were fears... The proud dog became a wolf to the rat and I growled and showed my teeth and my den. They were turned down. A proud wolf knows best than to keep games with rats...

The Gargantuan nameless steel-steed of a Harley I snagged from my Lord Father for a brief mission in the North let me soar and sail the tarmac seas back home with my head higher than ever. I did speak my mind and no loss was feared. A practical wolf. Once the deed is done, the word spoken and the game at my command I may leave, as I did.

A change in my body has taken place, forever now. My arm bears the sign of the hammer, Thor's Hammer, and like branded with iron runes cover my skin with the names of my bloodbrother and mine. His skin carries the same branding.

For all years to come let this be a reminder that he is my blood and I am his and I shall love him no matter what and fight for our understanding. This pledge is as mine as it is his.

Alas, the Gods have blessed me with unknown strength and resilience for my forthcoming in many battles, most dreaded, battles in my mind.

And then strange things happened, unforeseen... The dog found a horse in the guise of a wolf. The night had its charms and fire was spoken by friends. Yet the dog had to behave. But there was something that night, a sign, even premonition or the like. The world ceased to be for a few instants and two was the only number.

As the night neared its end yet another me spawned from the ashes, and the new day would have surprises in store... Unexplainable things are taking place, rare and yet fluid and swift like a stream in early spring, the water breaking through the ice... But visions have been had and this time swiftness is not only on my side... Is there a road to be followed? No, but there are signs that say the way might be warmer than expected. The open book of the druids, the knots of ancient lore, runes and mother earth. Nature is calling, nature is right.

I just feel, just know, it's the right path. And the fire wolf also knows...

This song (Suidakra's Biróg's Oath) is one of the first milestones, it's like a wolf wailing, howling in sadness and yet sweet and comforting.

It's now part of me...

"Once your allegiance is given
Your life-force forever shall feed me
No longer do you refuse my seduction
My servant till death you must be"

Pitch black

New changes are upon me and there will be blood...
My bloodriders, my sworn brothers, will stand fast. Blood is always thicker...

Biker night: off...

My plan has been called off due to a human error and then a series of strange mistakes took place with my cell (damn touch phones). I've gotten news today, good ones, but they imply me working at a level and on a concept I didn't think I'd be working on... at least not in this stage of my life... but it might pay off so... I gotta start thinking and planning... And for the third time in my life I am to compose for a good cause. Challenge accepted!

In a few weeks I've gone from 0 to 235 visits, and it's amazing to see that it's 13 I've gotten today. This actually encourages me. ^^

However, I say that I'm sort of uninspired to write so I'll just leave you with something softer for a change. One of those oldies from the 1990s and which belong to the first band I ever bought a ticket for. Enjoy.

P.S.: I love the bass intro.

I'm getting edgy all the time
There's someone around me just a step behind
It's kinda scary, the shape I'm in
The walls are shakin' and they're closing in
Too fast or a bit too slow
I'm paranoid of people and it's starting to show
There's one guy that I can't shake
Over my shoulder is a big mistake

Sitting on the bed
Or lying wide awake
There's demons in my head
And it's more than I can take
I think I'm on a roll
But I think it's kinda weak
Saying all I know is
I gotta get away from me

I tell you something just ain't right
My head is on loose but my shoes are tight
Avoiding my friends cause they all bug
Life is like a riddle and I'm really stumped
If you reason, don't you know
Your own preoccupation is where you'll go
I think I'm being followed, I look around
It's only my shadow creepin' on the ground

Germanic passion: I krig!

Remember my fear of  Tuesdays? I forgot to say Óðinn is sometimes a tricky bastard... and it was his day today. I had one hell of a morning, in the worst sense possible. It was a stressful, strange morning ultra-filled with work, visits, phone calls and even quarrels with those above me. And all that without knowing if I'd be working tomorrow...

4 hours of agony (I even got hungry and had to eat my apple in front of the people for I couldn't even go to the toilet or for a coffee) and then an extra hour dealing with problems with the main server. And the bastard didn't feel like cooperating.... 30 minutes purging the e-mail...

In the end I was told I still got the job... and then I wanted to share the news with someone, anyone I know, but none were there... so depressing... Still, I've thought of going to my faculty tomorrow dressed in my black woolen medieval hooded-cloak, enter my chiefs office and in a freaky twist kneel down before him in Vader-like manner, breathing heavily and say "What is thy bidding, my master?". Wouldn't that be epic!?

Now, chronologically there is a hole in my mind and I don't remember whether it was yesterday or today that I read a piece of news in which it was stated that our armies nowadays (well, at least in the US) are beginning to acknowledge and respect the heathens and pagans among their ranks. There is still hope for our Western culture...

Anyway, just as I did yesterday I did so again today and went to the library, that tiny piece of Hell where the books are kept in my faculty and where eggs can be fried on the tables. I found a couple of books after actually browsing through in two different sections. As I was reading the first one, I was surprized by the content and the ideas... but then moved to the second and third one. It was reading the third one that I saw many of my hypothesis regarding Old English in print. It made me happy, you know. Seeing that what I came up with all by myself after all these years and that is actually work being dealt with in select groups of scholars... I'm proud of myself.

I even read a few things regarding the Germanic tribes, many of which I already knew or had thought about being true, and it got my spirits up. I don't know whether this, music or viking garment-making are my true calling... or maybe all of them, but I feel I'm on the right track. If it gets the heart pounding it's the right thing... and I hardly ever get it over 54 bpm...

So, alas my readers, my last two pieces of happiness to share with you are that a woman sniffed me today and said that I smelled good, and I use no cologne! So it got her a smile. And the second one, which was actually the first, is that a certain black lady showed her appreciation for my writing/deranged thinking. All I can do is bow and say thank you for your reading time, and thank you for your compliments.

I give you all a hearty smile in the night and wish you all a better day tomorrow, the day of the thundergod and protector of mankind.

Enjoy this fine evening and, if you will, this song about the enemies of the people by the Norwegian Black Metal band Vreid:

Han stod åleine i si strid med mobben
Men har bar sigeren heim - Rygg mot vegg!

All that glitters is gold?

So many things...

It all began with the sentence "All that glitters is gold" sung in some song by the glammy-gothic-industrial king-of-madness Marilyn Manson. And my thoughts began...

I've retaken the reading of Game of Thrones, my endeavor. There are so many good sentences, so many brutal words, so many thoughts and expressions that would be my own if I was then an there... But enough daydreaming I say. Game of Thrones is no longer my way out of a tight painful spot in which I found myself two months ago. I'm reborn. And now I can read it fully being me, without no need to escape.

I've also realized I've spent two months in sort of a limbo, I've done nothing, that is, I've not written a fucking word of my master's thesis which is due in approximately 4 months. Today I've gathered the courage to shut myself in the library once I'm done with lunch. I hate the library, they always have the heating on and it makes me sweat like a pig. I want to do a good job, I want to really learn while doing it.

Yeah, it sounds like New Year's resolutions, but fuck 'em. It's my life and no one gives a damn about what I do and what I don't so go ahead and judge me, none is better than me for I ain't worse than anyone.

My New Year's plan is drifting washed ashore. Families... I understand it but... This last part of the year is being a great plan changer. Good thing I'm a Virgo, a mutable earth sign. I guess the chameleon in me is having one hell of a time. I found myself in a crossroad in a vast plain, nothing in sight but emptiness. And it makes me wonder...

I miss New Year's Eve in 2004. That was the beginning of a very good year in my life. In fact, it was the best in many ways. I was free, I had friends, and began to truly learn about myself. The grass is greener on the other side they say... maybe it wasn't that great back then, but there are things I miss from those days gone.

I remember with special delight the nights of my erasmus, alone in a solitary grave-like residence hall, in my room, late at night in winter, when I had essays to write. I used to make myself a hot cappuccino and stand outside on the balcony, letting the cold breeze fill my lungs with dagger-like caresses and then the sound of fire burning the dried up tobacco leaves in my cigarette... and I just stood there and pondered and wondered... It was... good.

My dreams are getting better by the day. I'm learning to be a faster interpreter and who knows, maybe in time I'll be able to predict my own immediate future. I do not aim at predicting my fate for that is just the Norns' domain and I am no weaver, just human.

Yesterday night the meaning of my last dream was revealed to me in the most unlikely manner. I am happy for this gifts the gods have bestowed upon me. I've decided I'm buying me a notebook and I'll write them down for only those that are of importance to me I do remember. And sometimes they scared me, but it's good to get the warning on time. I feel liberated, and I acted with honor in every word. What once was shall never be again, but memories are to be cherished and to be learned from.

But now I leave you, fine ladies and gentle men who happen to cross my path. I'm at the brink of losing my job and I've many plans still to be done. Funny thing though, I just realized today that Yule (Xmas) is next week. And envy befell me this morning as I saw it, my dream, through the eyes of those who have lived it as I would. Music did the rest... My blood is not of those northern parts, but my heart is, always has. Yule is not from this land of my birth... I do wish for once to live it there, not to envy anymore, just to experience... some things bring back memories of my childhood. Cinnamon, incense, spruce, apple, pepperkakkor, gingerbread, Plätzchen, glögg & Glühwein, yule tree, snow, cold wind, dark night, family, Germania & Scandza...

I leave ye all now, fine ladies and gents. 'Tis hour is late and I shall tarry no longer to my enterprises, deeds must be done, a noble warrior must heed the call of duty.

"(...) and you're completely obsessed with treasure."

"That's not true. I am not obsessed with treasure."

"Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate."

Jack Sparrow & William turner, Pirates of the Caribbean 

Crash Landing into the 21st century...

Sie ist en Model und sie sieht gut aus...

Yes, I've sort of crash landed... or that is still in store for me... Two weekends are now gone, no more medieval reenacting for me for a while... I'll miss that... But great things I have lived. I've even acted as goði in a reenacted Einherjarblót.
Newer codes, newer unspoken languages, silent conversations in the dark of the night... I've come to realize many things, but stranger ones I've gotten in response with un-asked questions. Some, however have been better than expected. I'll miss the mountains and my tent, I'll miss your scent, the smell of smoke in the night, the cold embrace of Winter and that warmth...

This year, this last stage of the year, is becoming surprisingly strange, more and more people I know of are breaking up with their partners... no clear reason, no master plan, just striking... It's a pity... and perhaps a blessing as well. I know the Gods have been kind to me for I proved my words worthy and my zeal pure when I fulfilled my vows with blood. I did feel fear, but brave is not to be unafraid but to master and face fear.

A crash landing is on the way, yet one walker does not concur. My three human norns speak against it, one brother defends it, another one trusts nothing... I feel I'm caught in the crossfire of an older conflict, but I know stories vary... Is it foolish to hope? Do I hope for something? I have seen what the others cannot see, I've seen through walls, I've seen beauty... The child in me has hope, I will not let him falter. I shall not have him punished for dreaming. The day he grows I'll age and whither and shall no longer be my merry old self...

A few days ago I remembered the movie Queen of The Damned and its music and what it had meant to me about ten years ago. Today I've been remembered that same thing by a sentence... Funny how many memories and feelings may be kept, preserved unscathed in music... An interesting setlist I want to keep in my memory: Freed from Desire by Gala, Military Fashion Show by And One, King of My Castle by Wamdue Project, Tribal Dance by 2 Unlimited, Bad Things by Jace Everett... Sie ist ein Model und sie sieht gut aus... Real bad things...
If I have to fall, I'll fall. And I'll get up again and stand taller than before. If pain is headed this way, so be it. I do not fear pain, yet I do not desire it... The Gods will say, the Norns already know, I must but stay true to myself...

Why won't you die?
Your blood in mine
We'll be fine
Then your body will be mine

Whirlpool

Yes, in a whirlpool is my head. Do you ever have the feeling suddenly everything starts to spin toward some unknown direction that hadn't for a second crossed your mind? It's a whirlpool, a storm, a black hole, unleashed and unstoppable energy...

Writing from my mind high, high on the green, this song is sounding in my room, and gets me thinking and at the same time it stops my thoughts for a minute before they run amok again.

But is this leading somewhere, you may ask. Yes, I suppose, it leads to me speaking out what I got in my mind... and again I press play on the song... My mind is cloudy, too much. The best thing is, though, that a while ago I was looking for some kind of answer and now I seem to be missing the question... I know I have not mispoken myself in any way, but now it seems I've taken a strange step, in a way on the way, in a way beside the way.

Thor's Day has begun as the last minutes of Óðinn's Day finished. And it was a nice beginning too, very nice actually. Bad things in a military fashion show... It's been however a great half of a Thor's Day, worth not forgetting. And still true words were spoken...

Strangely happy

Strangely happy on a Thor's Day.

Today, just as the first young minutes of the day we're greeting me as I was in my balcony I had a kind of revelation yet again. And I smiled to myself. I realize I'm happy and wish the world could feel this sense of comfort that requires no vengeance, no bringing anyone down, no getting over something/someone, no being the best at everything, no action at all, just being... 

But if I die today, remember this: those that matter and have ever mattered to me will still matter beyond the grave. And then you'll drink to my health wherever you think I may be and I'll smile, for you are my friends, my loves.

This I dedicate to every one who matters or has ever mattered to me, regardless of what time did to us or where life has taken us. Wounds become scars, and scars just blurry memories. But always happy memories for they are mine. I fear no pain, no new endeavors. I missed out on nothing for no pattern was I to follow nor none should I follow. My way is mine alone and is as best as I make it, never worse than anybody's, never better than anybody's, just mine.

This next part has been snagged from a friend's status in Facebook. 

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about yo...u every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.” Bob Marley

But did you know that when it snows
My eyes become large
And the light that you shine can't be seen?

Better

Oden's day has been better, though I'd say unexpected the outcome (if such thing has taken place).

I can't say much at this point, though I doubt I will say more at any other point, but some thoughts I had to dismiss due to unpracticality. The thing is I woke up today thinking A and my day is at an end between A and B... You know that's uncommon in me...

What to say when there's so much to be said and so little that need be shared?... It's just better, and I'm not having any thoughts on anything.... these things helpe see me for who I am... but I'm surprized with myself... again I see a different me yet the essence remains the same. Vad ska jag göra?

I see a younger reflection of me, sort of the same prism, of course there are nuances that depict the difference... but the essence is the same. I've gone that road, walked that path for many years, get off it. I've seen the sun behind... 

Här skall jag finna min ro
Här skall jag finna min sinnesfrid
Här skall jag för evigt vila
Och I Ägirs djupa salar min ängest begrave

Ett sista offer för Njors
Ett sista blot för välgång pa färden
En hemlichet som skall bli min
Ingen ånger, vad böljorna give

(Thyrfing's Världspegeln)