It's been a few months since I last wrote. Had loads of stuff in my mind... and in this case I even have a cold or some... thing that makes me cough and leaves my throat sore.
The grand master plan of migrating has to be postponed for a few months more. I'm at the brink of losing my job and on the other hand I've already been on TV with my reenactment group. I've seen people backing my words in some status updates in FB and much more...
I was getting worried: I felt tired, distressed, apathetic toward everything. Until I realized something: it's the system, it's what it wants everyone to feel: If your senses numb your thinking they can keep in power and profit from our unhappiness. Thus, I'm trying (because it ain't easy) to be relentless, I'm trying to be positive, I'm trying to only do one thing at a time... and that is really difficult for me, I mean, imagine your brain works at 100 mph... well mine goes about 300mph, and we use the same fuel, so I ran out of fuel much faster.
Anyhow, I'm not really sure where I'm headed to except that I'll turn 30 in a few months and still got my whole life ahead of me. But in the meantime... I need to finish my fucking master's thesis and present it. Sigh. I hate "academic research". I just like learning for the fun of it, I like knowing stuff and getting to understand things in a much profounder way.
I'm a useless bastard to many, but I'm just lil' ole me and me thoughts! And happy 'bout it!
What is this that has brought us to where we are? Is it our fault, is it the fault of our forbears or of everyone ever invented, created, cremated and deceased?
I only know for sure that I'm taking steps in order to prepare my incoming path which will, no doubt, be a hard one... Everything couldn't just be easy as pie... Still I'm resolute in my decision to migrate. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have no fucking idea where I'll wind up, but all I know this is to be my last year (there's no other way for me) in this fucking land of corrupt politicians and villainous blood-sucking assholes that are only worried about soccer, getting laid and going on vacation, this fucking land that has mistreated many a man and woman.
Of course you'll say "the grass is always greener on the other side"... but hey! at least they've got grass! This land is turning into a fucking desert!
So that's the complaint part so far. As for the good stuff, I also have some in store ^^
I became a teacher for a day in a master's degree class. My topic: medieval knight' arms and equipment and its evolution. I brought a bunch of stuff into class (must say that I already passed the subject which was romance literature on chivalry).
[Data missing]...I actually don't remember what I intended to say...
Yes, I am the enemy, as most in my place and with my attitude. Why? Because we have faces, we have minds that work and we use them to think. Those in my place have functional brains and use them often instead of keeping them sedated under tons of lies and shrouds of stupidity which are the fodder the entertainment industry and ultimately banks and stock markets feed us.
Yes, I am the enemy. I re-send and re-post every bit and piece of information that I value useful to the struggle of the people for their rights, our struggle, our war. Positive news I'm reading of late such as that Iceland forced their banks to pay for their own debt instead of making the people pay. There is still hope...
A general strike without the support of the so-called unions (which no longer defend the working man and woman but the banks and the corrupt government). One strike after the other, keep the hits coming their way, let the usurpers of the people's rights and liberty loose all what they won squandering our efforts, time and labor.
Yes, I am the enemy. I think and am therefore dangerous. I am the enemy because I've defied the system since I began to make use of my reasoning abilities. I follow not the given path that was sold to my generation: go to school, go to secondary school, pop your cherry in your teens, get a weekend job and then party hard, get a degree, get a real job, get married, (all that before turning 30 or you'll be unsuccessful), get a mortgage for 30 years, have children, do not think, consume, watch television, believe your politicians, trust your banking system, retire, whither, die... No, I am the enemy.
I have always challenged the system, even if it utterly forced me to get the same results later than everyone else: in secondary school I asked why... five years to finish my last two. In college I asked why and challenged what was being "taught"... seven years to finish four.
Yes, I am the enemy and I have often challenged the "common sense". I call myself theoretical national-socialist and am against the useless, sold-out Spanish worker unions, and people call me Nazi, although I clearly set myself apart from the 3rd Reich (in what regards mass murder). I value private property and am thus called a fucking capitalist. I value and defend workers and am called communist. I proudly wear swastikas (symbol for good luck/fortune) and Thor's hammers because I'm heathen, against monotheism and I defend bloodlines and clanic behavior which enriches society and am either called a revolutionary or a Neonazi or simply stupid and deranged. I have radical feminism because it's just the complete opposite of the male dictatorship and am thus called a reactionist. I am against over-sexualization of gay love and the use of it in political agendas and am thus called a hater...
Well... I am the proud enemy and to all who label me in fear for they do not dare to challenge the system because it's easier for them to bow down and be slaves I say:
Shove it, weaklings!
My freedom, my life, my blood, my time. My mind is only mine to be built and make use of, my love is mine to give to whomever I want, my life is mine to live, my body is mine, my blood is mine to be proud of and be defended by, my heritage is mine own wherever I go. My freedom I fight for in any form I have at hand.
2011 began for me in the cold of Berlin, about a street away from the Brandenburger Tor. It was a dream come true, a dream I had had for like 8 years at least... the only differences were that I was wearing no kilt and that I had a wife-to-be back then. The year began quite happily for me: I played the tourist, enjoyed local food, had lots of sex and was able to see WWII stuff. But just as the trip came to an end, a crisis began and lasted about 4 months... maybe some things should have ended back then and there, but I'm a stubborn bastard and don't give up easily what I believe in. And I did believe in that "us" by then.
However, the underlying personal crisis was reaching toward a high-water-mark, and I, of course, was unaware for I supposed that if I ignored that it would get solved by itself... But no pain, no gain. That I still had to learn...
The year went ahead without major disturbances, but in a way I felt there were some things wrong in my life... and still I did not dare to look and see that I was on the wrong path. The Norns however were sending me signs... One of the good things this year brought me was reenactment, but official, in a group. And I do enjoy it. A second great change was that I quit my band, and I did so in anger...
The "I" that lived back then was only a blueprint in the making of my current "I"... And then chaos struck in early September and then later that same month. My beloved cat died with me being some 350 km away from home... I never got to say goodbye, and I started realizing I was taking too much for granted... and it wasn't
Then late September came, and I was to travel to England and visit York and the reenactment of the Battle of Hastings. And I did. But shortly before the trip things went wrong, so fucking wrong according to my binary mind at the time. And fear of loss became more of an acceptance of reality. But there was pain, oh yes there was. And one story ended just as I got to England.
Then chaos began, but positive. In pain I wrote, and suddenly the bonds between my elders and me were strengthened. And resilience I had to find. I found myself at a crossroads without knowing where to tread, and the thing is, I had already gone the wrong path for a while. So I faced myself during a reenactment event, vomited out of every pore every evil that was left in me, every ounce of pain I felt, ever bit of doubt, every grain of selflessness... and on the morrow I found myself as in the night before, unchanged, but it wasn't so... At eve I performed a private ritual and shed my blood in the manner of old in order to fulfill my vow to the gods, although that which I had asked for was never granted, but I was indebted and had to pay. And I shed good words to everyone for I felt different, sort of positive.
Suddenly my life changed. I was complete for the first time in my life, complete and proud of being who I am. And I had viking-like adventures for a few weeks. But my new "I" was still learning...
Now, many things have changed. I dared to do what I hadn't dared before. I've found myself and I'm happy and grateful for that. I've realized I hold no grudges nor have any will to for they are not worth my time. I've realized how precious life is and also where I stand amidst it all.
After the serpent's bite the dog trailed off. So the dog followed a rat till it realized the rats small multi-layered den was not to be his. Still I'm grateful for it made me realize the vielfalt in human relationships I had never wanted to understand nor could comprehend. It's not only zeroes and ones, there are many numbers in between. After the rat's dismissal a horse was found in the guise of a wolf. And the dog felt a shudder as the horse did. Time flies like Gugnir over fiendish armies... Is this the right path altogether?
I do not doubt this IS the path. I am aware of what the Gods are giving me, of what the Norns are showing me. I believe I'm doing as instructed for there lies my true path and calling. Maybe my path will be a most tumultuous one, but mine nonetheless. I know, no matter what comes, be that pain or laughter, that that is what I deserve, what I must get in order to learn further.
As I did in Facebook, I dedicate to each and everyone my best wishes: "To my bloodfamily, to my friends and to my clan, I wish you all the blessings of the Gods. To my enemies, if any, I wish you find the goodness that will make this quarrels end. To those I've met and lost over the years and to those that ever caused me pain, I thank you for all I've learned with you. May the Gods keep you all and grant you a wonderful and better 2012!!"
"How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
(…)
How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind."
