Where should I start... I have no goddamed idea, to be honest...
Maybe I'll get back a few days and see again some beautiful times out of impulsiveness, where mountain and tree and dried out heather reigned, with molten chocolate smiles, and candid embraces in the night followed by nightmarish boxes falling...
And most recently, a grand gift was made and given to me, but such was its grandeur I could not hold it within my chest. I know what I heard and saw and felt, and it was beyond my expectations, beyond any thought, it just surpassed my outer barriers, my defenses, and left me like a torn out rag on a muddy street in late winter. Such was its power... but I know what it meant, I heard what it cried, I licked what it had to offer, and I tasted that serene bitterness, that pungent sweet and sharp melody...
Still it haunts me...
And so the days passed and I found myself in yet a position ever stranger to me... I remembered
Ensiferum's "The Wanderer", and the tune crept back into my head, brushing against my dried out memories, seeking out a new pole on which to stand, and so it did... And I found myself pondering about solitude, but not in a negative sense, just thinking about it, nothing fancy, just feeling I wanted almost no soul around me at that particular time and place, though part of me was elsewhere and I had to surrender to the evidence. I travel the night seeking such a place and found it beyond the witching hour when I found my solace listening to music. And then cam Jeff Buckley with his sound... and I broke down... his music, ever haunting, was so powerful his sound could pass through armored concrete as if it were butter under the summer sun... and it pierced me through...
Then a day passed and a new musical project began, the fingers remembered their old strengths and weaknesses, I began to feel letting go, I began to feel the roar... once, so far...
And today has been a day of bitter and sweet tastes, with lights and shades, many more than anticipated...
Good old karma came a-knockin'... but then came back for some revenge. My brain was depleted from too much working... Calls and thoughts, and thoughts and silence... again a stranger in my eyes, or is it to my eyes? so late I dare not to care, not today... Sometimes silence is loudest...
But I also had a nice chat with a friend, about relationships, and things we dislike, and that which we find beautiful in one, and how haste kills them all... but fortune willed it that I find yet another thing that I add to my understanding-pending list... maybe it means nothing, but I know nothing means a lot, except I do not know what... not yet anyway... I just hope for a night with no nightmares, for solace in my own fantasies, for memory and fantasy are mine and mine alone... even it my whole world crumbles down...
'Tis so precious this gift, 'tis so strong and frail, but it is... and I'd not change it for another 1000 years of life... I just wish you are ok, you are missed...
I fade out...
