martes, 5 de diciembre de 2017

Synchronicity, maybe...

As time goes on, writing sort of becomes more difficult, but not because I loose skills or my texts are shitty, which might well be as well... no, the fact is as time goes on and I get to know more of myself through the things I experience, the things I live and the new memories that are being made every day, I see a tendency to draw back, to ponder longer, to doubt what it is I truly wish to share with this over-connected world... and whether this world (and by extension people who I'm either loosely or closely related to) truly deserves having more power over me... Either way, about a month since the last time I produced some form of written message to be published...

This said, I just wish to share some thought on synchronicity... the older generations might know this name from an album by The Police (pretty cool must say, and it's the one which has the song "Every Breath You Take", with one of the simplest chord progressions and yet most astonishing result)...

Back to the topic... Someone pretty close to me rather recently (take or give a month or two) talked to me about synchronicities, what they are, how they do happen... and of course, at first I was sort of taken aback at the prospect... but then some started sieving through the fabric of the reality that envelops me... and man! I gotta say it's beautiful the way the universe communicates with us, although it can make one even more fearful of the unknown and the extent one is not in control of anything at all... but there is such beauty in it, especially if you take time in recognizing it... synchronicities at their best...
However, this does not mean the universe only brings good things around. No sir! It also brings shitstorms and plaguelike states, because it is sort of a nasty 15-year-old teenager with a temper... on the good side, these storms are there only to help us move forward to greatness... and before greatness, there is always pain... but what a shitty world it would be if we never suffered any pain or loss...  we wouldn't learn, we wouldn't appreciate times, people and things that remind us that we are happy and we are to share this happiness with others, even if it's not well received...

I drift in and out, I know... maybe the best I can say is that staring fear at the face I have come to know its name, and learning about how the universe works, does not make me any less fearful... but it helps me learn and cope with the deepest fear mankind has, the one we will most definitely accompany us until our trip to the lands beyond...


Two synchronicities for you...

Sinéad O'Connor & The Chieftains "The Foggy Dew"
"(...)
No day copies yesterday,
no two nights will teach what bliss is
in precisely the same way,
with precisely the same kisses.
(...)
Why do we treat the fleeting day
with so much needless fear and sorrow?
It’s in its nature not to stay:
Today is always gone tomorrow
(...)"


W.Szymborska Nothing Twice

miércoles, 1 de noviembre de 2017

Demons, anyone?

Yup, today I feel like talking about demons. Yeah, I know, it's been Halloween and there's been a lot of goofy people running around in their goofy costumes "celebrating" Halloween in a futile intent to get laid later in the evening... P.S.: I never really like that idea much... I'm weird, I know... ain't that cool?
But no, my topic today ain't Halloween-related, although I very much enjoy horror movies with demons and bat-shit crazy stuff like that.

For a few days, not in a row, I've been having dreams about demons. Now, I won't be giving you details of the types of demons and situations I've been seeing them, that's only for me to know, you bastards!
Aaaaanyway, the fact that I find noteworthy is that my dreams about demons, and how I do fight and fend them off or get overrun by them never did have much to do with my present situation (present whenever that present was). But I find it funny that these things I dream about, and which do not scare me in the least (either poor trapped souls or concentrated negative energy that at some point will dissipate), whenever I look up dream symbolism they seem to be a sort of forewarning. And up to this day the only forewarnings I've really felt useful were bugs: I cannot recollect a single instance in my life in which dream demons warned about anything... However, some dream interpretations also give an interesting point of view: a sort of acknowledgement or awareness of one's past and how one is moving past it. Now this part seems nice, though I cannot really tell (not even to myself) what the hell this is supposed to mean given the many changes that have happened in my own personal head-quarters that such awareness was more than clear to me... who knows...

And talking about dreams, I remember having a lot of dreams about dry vineyards and zombies... I should check into that...

Completely unrelated: I love artistic pictures of the human body, not just bare nudes, but shade and color play related to positioon... and I just saw a collection of pre, during and post birth pictures, that is of women, with or without companion, giving birth and there is something mystical about it I can't really put my finger on... but hey, don't start getting ideas, I'm won't be joyning that club for the time being... maybe even never, who knows, life is, quoting the great Forrest Gump "like a box o' chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get".

Signing off...


Random musical note of the day
Garbage's I'm only happy when it rains

Whispering: I Love the nineties...



martes, 10 de octubre de 2017

Some and counting...

It's been a while, I know,but I've been meaning to write for several days and somehow the time wasn't right, neither were the circumstances...

Where should I start... I have no goddamed idea, to be honest...

Maybe I'll get back a few days and see again some beautiful times out of impulsiveness, where mountain and tree and dried out heather reigned, with molten chocolate smiles, and candid embraces in the night followed by nightmarish boxes falling...
And most recently, a grand gift was made and given to me, but such was its grandeur I could not hold it within my chest. I know what I heard and saw and felt, and it was beyond my expectations, beyond any thought, it just surpassed my outer barriers, my defenses, and left me like a torn out rag on a muddy street in late winter. Such was its power... but I know what it meant, I heard what it cried, I licked what it had to offer, and I tasted that serene bitterness, that pungent sweet and sharp melody...
Still it haunts me...

And so the days passed and I found myself in yet a position ever stranger to me... I remembered
Ensiferum's "The Wanderer", and the tune crept back into my head, brushing against my dried out memories, seeking out a new pole on which to stand, and so it did... And I found myself pondering about solitude, but not in a negative sense, just thinking about it, nothing fancy, just feeling I wanted almost no soul around me at that particular time and place, though part of me was elsewhere and I had to surrender to the evidence. I travel the night seeking such a place and found it beyond the witching hour when I found my solace listening to music. And then cam Jeff Buckley with his sound... and I broke down... his music, ever haunting, was so powerful his sound could pass through armored concrete as if it were butter under the summer sun...  and it pierced me through...

Then a day passed and a new musical project began, the fingers remembered their old strengths and weaknesses, I began to feel letting go, I began to feel the roar... once, so far...

And today has been a day of bitter and sweet tastes, with lights and shades, many more than anticipated...
Good old karma came a-knockin'... but then came back for some revenge. My brain was depleted from too much working... Calls and thoughts, and thoughts and silence... again a stranger in my eyes, or is it to my eyes? so late I dare not to care, not today... Sometimes silence is loudest...
But I also had a nice chat with a friend, about relationships, and things we dislike, and that which we find beautiful in one, and how haste kills them all... but fortune willed it that I find yet another thing that I add to my understanding-pending list... maybe it means nothing, but I know nothing means a lot, except I do not know what... not yet anyway... I just hope for a night with no nightmares, for solace in my own fantasies, for memory and fantasy are mine and mine alone... even it my whole world crumbles down...

'Tis so precious this gift, 'tis so strong and frail, but it is... and I'd not change it for another 1000 years of life... I just wish you are ok, you are missed...

I fade out...



lunes, 25 de septiembre de 2017

Nachdennklich

Nachdennklich. Druck. Feuer. Druck. Zweifel. Vermutung. Stille. Los.

So much to say, yet so little that I wish to share for the world does not deserve much of what I could ever saying.
But waking up it's a difficult job, realizing the peace of sleep is gone and now, as the sun shines, my brain is back again to give me a hard time. I wish myself a brain stopper yet I know they do not work.
One hour rolling on top of an unwanted mattress, trying to remain in an uncomfortable sleep trying to prevent that moment from coming... but the day marches on against my will.


Trying to understand yet trying not to, a paradoxical fight between of two halves of a single brain, wondering why the need for work, for time without using the brain. Maybe I should start getting loads of things to do, it seems to be my kick.

No paths are trod twice, the plants grow ever different.
At least yesterday's sweat was genuine, as true as my voice was...

Maybe this is my escape valve...


Feuer. Druck.


(Random songs that sound in the night)
Vreid - Empty


"A writer out of loneliness is trying to communicate like a distant star sending signals. He isn't telling, or teaching, or ordering. Rather, he seeks to establish a relationship with meaning, of feeling, of observing. We are lonesome animals. We spend all our live trying to be less lonesome. And one of our ancient methods is to tell a story, begging the listener to say, and to feel, "Yes, that's the way it is, or at least that's the way I feel it. You're not as alone as you thought." To finish is sadness to a writer, a little death. He puts the last word down and it is done. But it isn't really done. The story goes on and leaves the writer behind, for no story is ever done." 
John Steinbeck

sábado, 9 de septiembre de 2017

Oxymoron, not ox moron

Yet again before an empty digital canvas, but not to pour my heart out, just to share some random thoughts.

The first time I heard the word oxymoron, why by the way I find is a beautiful word and has a beautiful effect on language, was in a movie starring an almost unknown wannabe rapper called Mark Wahlberg. There I heard the word oxymoron, and an example: Thunderous silence. Such a beautiful composition, sometimes so appealing to myself, more often than not.

Anyway, the topic today is PhD. Yes, I'm currently doing my PhD research, but the path neither is nor has it been easy so far. I always thought PhD students had a tendency to exaggerate difficulties they were having... and then I found that exaggeration is actually not a good description of the roaring thunderstorm you experience, with ups and downs as if in a brake-less roller coaster car about to skip the tracks and fly off into its doom. I had not been very motivated at some points in time, and in a way I'm still getting my act together... But good thing is that I have found a partner in crime who is a great inspiration regarding this line of work, and this is both rare and nice to find, especially for a lone wolf such as myself when it comes to academic stuff, of which  I'm highly critical.
Inspiration is always found in the least likely places, with the least likely company. And it is good.

Rain today, and then tonight rain comes again, and under cover of darkness and with few comrades we shall wave the night of and the beginning of a new chapter in life.


I had heard many times the expression "Karma is a bitch", but over time, I'm changing my standing point and maybe karma is not a bitch after all but a fluffy nice female ever-playful puppy filled with hope and good thoughts. Too positive today methinks. Anyway, karma just is, we interpret from it what we wish to interpret, and I take the good side, for there is enough of the bad side in the world to be sticking to that one.
Good thing melancholy fits don't last long, especially when ears and counsel are offered in order to climb out of the pit...

Now, I wanted to say much more, but I don't think I will...

As I was having my zig break, I saw flashes of light covering the sky, a storm is coming. And I was amazed by the colors and shapes lightning created in the sky, showing the beautiful clouds lit from behind, as in one of John Howe's illustrations of Morgoth and the days of Gondolin.

Ah, who could be a worthy Beren to fair Luthien...


Good night my beloved travelers in the dark, may your paths shine every once in a while.



Tonight's feature: "Turning Circles" by Judas Priest
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWPcpguSlkE

jueves, 7 de septiembre de 2017

Fucking trips down memory lane

As I was saying, fucking trips down memory lane.

You've heard (read me) rant about my past, and me liking to analyze that past and thinking about it and trying to make the best out of past deeds and mistakes and successes. However one thing is pulling out blurry images from a dusty hard drive called brain and a different one is finding something completely unexpected fucking cross your path while listening to something completely unrelated, and the your fucking brain makes the goddammed connection, and it so happens it's raining at the same time, and I do love rain, and what it brings.

Fucking 2 minute bubble bursts.
And it all began because I was watching 12 year old webcam videos of myself, made for myself as well, either singing or playing the bass or guitar.
And then I saw "younger videos"... still playing, different appearance though.
Naivity dead, hope forlorn, and I didn't remember that much pain.
But if there is something I can really do good is read myself... I was in fucking agony and I didn't even know... 2-minute bubble-burst, and it came back for an instant, how the hell did I manage to move forward??

"I stay still and changes pass me by(...) I'm the bitter in your sweet"
... I did come out with that... 


There is still so much I do NOT understand of either this world or myself...
I guess fear is sometimes necessary in order for us to be reminded of our own vulnerabilities and that of those people we encounter, meet, relate to and have relationships with...


I guess I'm tender... so here's a steak

sábado, 2 de septiembre de 2017

Dream on, but keep on rememberin'

Ah my sweeties, again with my beloved ritual, booze and smokes so I connect to my inner deranged me. And Oh Boi! Was I in for a surprise today.

The thing is, I was giving a thorough thought to the idea of writing about dreams, as it is something I had been speaking about lately, and I even had some to tell and some ideas of my own regarding dreams and the like (yup, illusions and mirages count)... however I found myself browsing through the folders of my computer and... no, you naughty bastards, I did not fins that forgotten, well-hidden folder full of porn... actually what I found was way better... to some extent at least: I found old files that had been in my computers since as early as 1998, most of them dating from 2000 onwards... yes, almost 20-year-old files. That was a shocker... and all the way Def Leppard was the soundtrack...

Well, I won't go into much detail because the internet does not need it, but I found out that I used to save the e-mails I sent into Word files so they wouldn't be erased from the "sent" folder of my older e-mail addresses (I don't seem to be able to recall any e-mail addresses I had prior to 2005, although I had had, at least something around 4 different ones).
The thing is, I have re-read those e-mails... geez I was one needy kid sometimes , but some things I wrote did shock me... one of them was back in 2004 talking to an older German acquaintance of mine with whom I lost all contact and links as time went by, the person I first started talking in German with on a daily basis... to keep the story simple, I was trying to figure out or guess what my life would be like in 2014, that is 10 years from 2004. I actually got nothing right, not even close... not even where I'd be living... but I found out that I already knew that if I had a child, what I'd like his name to be... and I thought this was a rather recent idea, it turns out it's been there for years stored in a one-way alley in my hard-drive of a brain. Maybe the core never changes much and only the crust is what we modify over time...

Beyond this particular point of interest, other texts were found, all written by me... At some point I even thought "hey, this guy can write", and then I went like "oh, wait, this guy is/was me, holy shit". It's been nice.

Finally the winds of time, finally a slight change in the weather comes, and in my briefs I feel a chill, goosebumps up my skin. I'm glad winter is coming, slowly, but undeterred. So looking forward to being a human heater, so looking forward to the cold days.

A few moments ago I was thinking to myself "My 34th year in this planet has been rather interesting, especially the last month, I'm positive about my 35th" and I've just watched the clock and today I take a step further in my ageing while enjoying a glass of the wine I last drank while skinny dipping in a rocky beach about 100 or 150 miles from here.

I'd say so much more, but I've decided this will suffice for today. The older I get the clearer I see that although bits and pieces of my life and thoughts may be left here for posterity, I want to keep most to myself and to/with the people I live and experience things with, beside my own solitary endeavors.

Because the night is dark and full of promises...




Def Leppard's "Women"

"He was born with a passion, love and hate
A restless spirit with a need for a mate
But there was somethin' that was missin', somethin' lost
So he came with the answer, here's what it cost"