Yes, that would sort of summarixe it...
I feel sort of lightheaded, but a different sort of lightheadedness than the one gotten from smoking weed... It just felt like someone suddenly snacth the floor of my feet and all I could see underneath was a magnificent yet terrifying void...
Lost happened to me... as well to anybody else... But it's sort of big. Even the need to speak about it, but to no one in particular, has got me writing again.
After my master's thesis I was congratulated and encouraged by the jury to keep on researching, to go beyond and get a PhD...
I've been dragging my feet, postponing my duties, although I use the time to both organize the ideas in my head (I hate paper brainstormings) and to create medieval clothing for reenactment... And yes, I'm still here in Spain...
But today I got an e-mail. I read it, clicked on the link... a vacancy at the University of Oslo to get a PhD within a specific research group, a well paid 3-year research fellowship... And the topic is similar to mine...
I've just shat my pants. From to 10.000 in just a few seconds. My compass is spinning senselessly and I'm in a sea of doubt... I'm to leave everything behind... Should I? Can I?... What if it's all for naught and I don't get the job... What if I fail? What if I just play everything away and then find out that I've ended up loosing more than I feel like I could bear?...
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is fear. And for the first time in my life I truly feel completely and utterly alone.
