Enter 2012...

2011 began for me in the cold of Berlin, about a street away from the Brandenburger Tor. It was a dream come true, a dream I had had for like 8 years at least... the only differences were that I was wearing no kilt and that I had a wife-to-be back then. The year began quite happily for me: I played the tourist, enjoyed local food, had lots of sex and was able to see WWII stuff. But just as the trip came to an end, a crisis began and lasted about 4 months... maybe some things should have ended back then and there, but I'm a stubborn bastard and don't give up easily what I believe in. And I did believe in that "us" by then.

However, the underlying personal crisis was reaching toward a high-water-mark, and I, of course, was unaware for I supposed that if I ignored that it would get solved by itself... But no pain, no gain. That I still had to learn...

The year went ahead without major disturbances, but in a way I felt there were some things wrong in my life... and still I did not dare to look and see that I was on the wrong path. The Norns however were sending me signs... One of the good things this year brought me was reenactment, but official, in a group. And I do enjoy it. A second great change was that I quit my band, and I did so in anger...

The "I" that lived back then was only a blueprint in the making of my current "I"... And then chaos struck in early September and then later that same month. My beloved cat died with me being some 350 km away from home... I never got to say goodbye, and I started realizing I was taking too much for granted... and it wasn't

Then late September came, and I was to travel to England and visit York and the reenactment of the Battle of Hastings. And I did. But shortly before the trip things went wrong, so fucking wrong according to my binary mind at the time. And fear of loss became more of an acceptance of reality. But there was pain, oh yes there was. And one story ended just as I got to England.

Then chaos began, but positive. In pain I wrote, and suddenly the bonds between my elders and me were strengthened. And resilience I had to find. I found myself at a crossroads without knowing where to tread, and the thing is, I had already gone the wrong path for a while. So I faced myself during a reenactment event, vomited out of every pore every evil that was left in me, every ounce of pain I felt, ever bit of doubt, every grain of selflessness... and on the morrow I found myself as in the night before, unchanged, but it wasn't so... At eve I performed a private ritual and shed my blood in the manner of old in order to fulfill my vow to the gods, although that which I had asked for was never granted, but I was indebted and had to pay. And I shed good words to everyone for I felt different, sort of positive.

Suddenly my life changed. I was complete for the first time in my life, complete and proud of being who I am. And I had viking-like adventures for a few weeks. But my new "I" was still learning...

Now, many things have changed. I dared to do what I hadn't dared before. I've found myself and I'm happy and grateful for that. I've realized I hold no grudges nor have any will to for they are not worth my time. I've realized how precious life is and also where I stand amidst it all.

After the serpent's bite the dog trailed off. So the dog followed a rat till it realized the rats small multi-layered den was not to be his. Still I'm grateful for it made me realize the vielfalt in human relationships I had never wanted to understand nor could comprehend. It's not only zeroes and ones, there are many numbers in between. After the rat's dismissal a horse was found in the guise of a wolf. And the dog felt a shudder as the horse did. Time flies like Gugnir over fiendish armies... Is this the right path altogether? 

I do not doubt this IS the path. I am aware of what the Gods are giving me, of what the Norns are showing me. I believe I'm doing as instructed for there lies my true path and calling. Maybe my path will be a most tumultuous one, but mine nonetheless. I know, no matter what comes, be that pain or laughter, that that is what I deserve, what I must get in order to learn further.

As I did in Facebook, I dedicate to each and everyone my best wishes:
"To my bloodfamily, to my friends and to my clan, I wish you all the blessings of the Gods.
To my enemies, if any, I wish you find the goodness that will make this quarrels end.
To those I've met and lost over the years and to those that ever caused me pain, I thank you for all I've learned with you. May the Gods keep you all and grant you a wonderful and better 2012!!"

"How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
(…)
How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind."