It's so frustrating having a monologue inside of me when I'm all by myself having a smoke and then all of a sudden, when I get to writing, half of it is gone...
It's been more than 3 years since my last entry. That deserves some respect, right?
Today is finally the first day when I'm all really alone by myself: no cell phone ringing, no messages, no communication. It's a feeling I've been longing for since my last relationship went down the drain, in a good way though. I've been binge-watching Californication, some of the seasons I had missed a while ago. I know, I know, a lot of folks out there think that's some shitty show, but a man has his weaknesses. I must be honest, this show has really helped me out in some of my dark times when I was lost, not completely, when I thought something was missing or I was missing out on something: it's about a fucked up dude who's lost the love of his life due to his mistakes, so many mistakes, fucked his way out of a few situations and got deeper in shit as he was trying to get his life together.
But enough about Hank, why is this so fucking important for me?
I dunno, really. I just had a beautiful moment with myself, on a house terrace, having a smoke after a whole afternoon raining. It had been about two months since I last saw any rain. It's been cleansing. I've made some mistakes over the years, and maybe I was close to making newer ones without having the slightest hint, but although I felt distressed at first, with the rain the feelings subsided. Sort of like Hank and the drink, except he's doing it to cope with his shit-trail and sometimes ends well.
I had a call today, my with ex-better half. Weird at first, comfy later, awkward altogether: I even referred to her in the friendly, lovable manner I had done throughout our relationship. I don't know how it got to there, it just happened. And then I realized: maybe I'm not really over it all, five years you know...
It's weird, really. You think you know yourself and suddenly you get to the point in which you look at yourself and say "Who the hell am I? Who did I get here? Why did I get here". It would be nice the answer were 42, but then I'd still be wondering...
Aaaaanyway, back to the story. As I was half-way on my cigarette, I looked back ten years ago approx: I was about to travel for a whole year to Germany. I was feeling both excited at the idea and loathed by my own self and the way things were going (in retrospective, it wasn't that bad, I was just peeking out of my own personal pit of self pity... 20-year-old stuff...). As I got there, I thought I knew where I'd be in ten years (aka now). Not even a single thing right... guess I'm out of the prophet business for good...
But now, all alone by myself, it is both appeasing and yet utterly awkward: I had never really enjoyed being alone as I am today, and yet hundreds of images come rushing into my mind about what I should do, where I should get, whom should I aim at getting there with. Another puff, and as the smoke clears from my lungs all these thoughts just pass as if they never existed.
I do not know what the future holds in store for me, but feeling both alone and lonely since my 5-year relationship ended has got me feeling miserable and happy at the same time. And it got me thinking that I really do not need anybody to be myself and, if bad company tags along, they're in for a taste of hell, cause I'm no longer willing to take anyone's bullshit... except maybe from by best two soul bros and my blood bro.
To all those wandering souls who may happen to fall into this pit of despair, I thank thee wholeheartedly for the minutes I've taken from you with my words. Maybe I'll write again... I just don't know yet and certainly don't feel like pushing it.
Best of luck to you all.
Yours truly,
The man reborn
