Self-imposed censorship

Self-imposed censorship, on dire words,
from unknown forest dreaded roots,
in daggerlike utterances, no semblance,
of spoken vibes and chills. 
Sedition, perdition, prickling affliction,
unbeknownst, constrained, in mirror
silenced, crawling horror
fearing tomorrow, the dreading silence
unwelcome visitor, no violence,

Patch up...

Patch up your wounds till they become scars or just bleed out...

Again you find me here, about to start my ramblings. In these last few months writing has clearly not been my priority, and it still ain't, but sometimes it's ok to let off some steam...

Things worth mentioning... I'd say about three twists have taken place in my life in these months, all of them aim-changing, and of course this became forceful adaptation at some crazy-ass Darwinist level I had not intended to acknowledge any time soon. But life is change right?

Not writing ritual today, sorry, not even incense filling my nostrils, I'm not in the mood for such mellow scents. I just miss the Highlands...

I wonder, and ponder, and think, and get tired, and think some more, and drink, and breathe, and smoke, and breathe, and I think, and think yet again... but some things have begun to change in me, I can feel it.

Some corners of anxiety have been scraped out, but it's a hard struggle, and there is no stronger opponent than oneself... and mine is a tough motherfucker all armed and armored ready for doomsday... we get by sometimes though... yes, in my lowest hours when defeat was the bitter kiss I felt on my tongue, it told me to either patch up my wounds and hope for them to become scars or just simply bleed out in my own pool of self disgust and denial... and man, having such a tough motherfucker by your  side sometimes is nasty business, but thanks for the help dude... though I still hate your guts for pushing me forward...

Oioioioi... there it goes again, this brain of mine... My latest questions to world are, or would be: am I to give up principles for existence? Am I to stand tall or stand aside? Should I let the current take me or try to sink my feet into the sand hoping to hold out when the next wave hits? Should I stop wondering or thinking and just let loose? Am I doomed to fall within the grasp of ancient patterns?

These and many more follow me, seek me out and haunt me... and still among all these heaps of inconsistency and painful existential doubts I seem to find something within to hold on to, hope if you will, stubbornness most likely... and the best part is that this... what-ever-you-call-it keeps me going with myself and with others. Of course, life is the most certain uncertainty, and accepting uncertainty and loss are two of the most difficult lessons we are faced with... and I have my doubts whether anybody is really able to stand the test, I'm guessing most people just pretend and go on about their business hoping the sticky tentacles of loss and uncertainty give them another break...

Honestly now, I don't know where I'm going with this... maybe I do... either way, it's none of your business. Wish me luck in getting fucked in the ass by life or getting shit-faced every once in a while after drowning in my own content and self pity while trying to save the world or some individual...

Today I choose to patch up my wounds, to stand tall. Tomorrow... I might choose differently... but not today.

"Before all things reborn again
You learn the painful breath of time

(...)

And through the bitter cold, with opened eyes
You'll find the strength to fight and stand upright"

Gojira Born in Winter

Empty spaces

When the brain keeps on going, not to a single place but to many at the same time, no completion is found. A stop is necessary, but stopping does not imply ceasing to be nor to exist. Maybe a break is something necessary for the brain every once in a while, however, the ongoing struggle against reality, imposed by the outside, and the inner struggle, meet in a clash of titans, sometimes lasting for years.

I actually have no fucking clue what I'm writing about, I did a couple of minutes ago yet it all seems so futile. Weird year so far indeed... What are the signs? Are there any at all?
Change, ever happening, change, ever present... no water runs still...

Empty cups and full hopes, and in between music and thoughts and sorrow and greatness and nothingness...

Never mind my words, I guess this is just an exercise after so long a time without any written words...

I understand my self though, I think...

Down in a Hole by Alice in Chains

"Down in a hole and they've put all the stones in their place
I've eaten the sun so my tongue has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty of kicking myself in the teeth
I will speak no more of my feelings beneath"