lunes, 30 de abril de 2018

Patch up...

Patch up your wounds till they become scars or just bleed out...

Again you find me here, about to start my ramblings. In these last few months writing has clearly not been my priority, and it still ain't, but sometimes it's ok to let off some steam...

Things worth mentioning... I'd say about three twists have taken place in my life in these months, all of them aim-changing, and of course this became forceful adaptation at some crazy-ass Darwinist level I had not intended to acknowledge any time soon. But life is change right?
Not writing ritual today, sorry, not even incense filling my nostrils, I'm not in the mood for such mellow scents. I just miss the Highlands...

I wonder, and ponder, and think, and get tired, and think some more, and drink, and breathe, and smoke, and breathe, and I think, and think yet again... but some things have begun to change in me, I can feel it.
Some corners of anxiety have been scraped out, but it's a hard struggle, and there is no stronger opponent than oneself... and mine is a tough motherfucker all armed and armored ready for doomsday... we get by sometimes though... yes, in my lowest hours when defeat was the bitter kiss I felt on my tongue, it told me to either patch up my wounds and hope for them to become scars or just simply bleed out in my own pool of self disgust and denial... and man, having such a tough motherfucker by your  side sometimes is nasty business, but thanks for the help dude... though I still hate your guts for pushing me forward...

Oioioioi... there it goes again, this brain of mine... My latest questions to world are, or would be: am I to give up principles for existence? Am I to stand tall or stand aside? Should I let the current take me or try to sink my feet into the sand hoping to hold out when the next wave hits? Should I stop wondering or thinking and just let loose? Am I doomed to fall within the grasp of ancient patterns?
These and many more follow me, seek me out and haunt me... and still among all these heaps of inconsistency and painful existential doubts I seem to find something within to hold on to, hope if you will, stubbornness most likely... and the best part is that this... what-ever-you-call-it keeps me going with myself and with others. Of course, life is the most certain uncertainty, and accepting uncertainty and loss are two of the most difficult lessons we are faced with... and I have my doubts whether anybody is really able to stand the test, I'm guessing most people just pretend and go on about their business hoping the sticky tentacles of loss and uncertainty give them another break...

Honestly now, I don't know where I'm going with this... maybe I do... either way, it's none of your business. Wish me luck in getting fucked in the ass by life or getting shit-faced every once in a while after drowning in my own content and self pity while trying to save the world or some individual...

Today I choose to patch up my wounds, to stand tall. Tomorrow... I might choose differently... but not today.

"Before all things reborn again
You learn the painful breath of time
(...)
And through the bitter cold, with opened eyes
You'll find the strength to fight and stand upright
"


Gojira Born in Winter

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