So much to say, yet so little that I wish to share for the world does not deserve much of what I could ever saying.
But waking up it's a difficult job, realizing the peace of sleep is gone and now, as the sun shines, my brain is back again to give me a hard time. I wish myself a brain stopper yet I know they do not work.
One hour rolling on top of an unwanted mattress, trying to remain in an uncomfortable sleep trying to prevent that moment from coming... but the day marches on against my will.
Trying to understand yet trying not to, a paradoxical fight between of two halves of a single brain, wondering why the need for work, for time without using the brain. Maybe I should start getting loads of things to do, it seems to be my kick.
No paths are trod twice, the plants grow ever different.
At least yesterday's sweat was genuine, as true as my voice was...
Maybe this is my escape valve...
Feuer. Druck.
(Random songs that sound in the night)
Vreid - Empty
"A writer out of loneliness is trying to
communicate like a distant star sending signals. He isn't telling, or
teaching, or ordering. Rather, he seeks to establish a relationship with
meaning, of feeling, of observing. We are lonesome animals. We spend
all our live trying to be less lonesome. And one of our ancient methods
is to tell a story, begging the listener to say, and to feel, "Yes,
that's the way it is, or at least that's the way I feel it. You're not
as alone as you thought." To finish is sadness to a writer, a little
death. He puts the last word down and it is done. But it isn't really
done. The story goes on and leaves the writer behind, for no story is
ever done." John Steinbeck
Yet again before an empty digital canvas, but not to pour my heart out, just to share some random thoughts.
The first time I heard the word oxymoron, why by the way I find is a beautiful word and has a beautiful effect on language, was in a movie starring an almost unknown wannabe rapper called Mark Wahlberg. There I heard the word oxymoron, and an example: Thunderous silence. Such a beautiful composition, sometimes so appealing to myself, more often than not.
Anyway, the topic today is PhD. Yes, I'm currently doing my PhD research, but the path neither is nor has it been easy so far. I always thought PhD students had a tendency to exaggerate difficulties they were having... and then I found that exaggeration is actually not a good description of the roaring thunderstorm you experience, with ups and downs as if in a brake-less roller coaster car about to skip the tracks and fly off into its doom. I had not been very motivated at some points in time, and in a way I'm still getting my act together... But good thing is that I have found a partner in crime who is a great inspiration regarding this line of work, and this is both rare and nice to find, especially for a lone wolf such as myself when it comes to academic stuff, of which I'm highly critical.
Inspiration is always found in the least likely places, with the least likely company. And it is good.
Rain today, and then tonight rain comes again, and under cover of
darkness and with few comrades we shall wave the night of and the
beginning of a new chapter in life.
I had heard many times the expression "Karma is a bitch", but over time, I'm changing my standing point and maybe karma is not a bitch after all but a fluffy nice female ever-playful puppy filled with hope and good thoughts. Too positive today methinks. Anyway, karma just is, we interpret from it what we wish to interpret, and I take the good side, for there is enough of the bad side in the world to be sticking to that one.
Good thing melancholy fits don't last long, especially when ears and counsel are offered in order to climb out of the pit...
Now, I wanted to say much more, but I don't think I will...
As I was having my zig break, I saw flashes of light covering the sky, a storm is coming. And I was amazed by the colors and shapes lightning created in the sky, showing the beautiful clouds lit from behind, as in one of John Howe's illustrations of Morgoth and the days of Gondolin.
Ah, who could be a worthy Beren to fair Luthien...
Good night my beloved travelers in the dark, may your paths shine every once in a while.
Tonight's feature: "Turning Circles" by Judas Priest
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWPcpguSlkE
You've heard (read me) rant about my past, and me liking to analyze that past and thinking about it and trying to make the best out of past deeds and mistakes and successes. However one thing is pulling out blurry images from a dusty hard drive called brain and a different one is finding something completely unexpected fucking cross your path while listening to something completely unrelated, and the your fucking brain makes the goddammed connection, and it so happens it's raining at the same time, and I do love rain, and what it brings.
Fucking 2 minute bubble bursts.
And it all began because I was watching 12 year old webcam videos of myself, made for myself as well, either singing or playing the bass or guitar.
And then I saw "younger videos"... still playing, different appearance though.
Naivity dead, hope forlorn, and I didn't remember that much pain.
But if there is something I can really do good is read myself... I was in fucking agony and I didn't even know... 2-minute bubble-burst, and it came back for an instant, how the hell did I manage to move forward??
"I stay still and changes pass me by(...) I'm the bitter in your sweet"
... I did come out with that...
There is still so much I do NOT understand of either this world or myself...
I guess fear is sometimes necessary in order for us to be reminded of our own vulnerabilities and that of those people we encounter, meet, relate to and have relationships with...
Ah my sweeties, again with my beloved ritual, booze and smokes so I connect to my inner deranged me. And Oh Boi! Was I in for a surprise today.
The thing is, I was giving a thorough thought to the idea of writing about dreams, as it is something I had been speaking about lately, and I even had some to tell and some ideas of my own regarding dreams and the like (yup, illusions and mirages count)... however I found myself browsing through the folders of my computer and... no, you naughty bastards, I did not fins that forgotten, well-hidden folder full of porn... actually what I found was way better... to some extent at least: I found old files that had been in my computers since as early as 1998, most of them dating from 2000 onwards... yes, almost 20-year-old files. That was a shocker... and all the way Def Leppard was the soundtrack...
Well, I won't go into much detail because the internet does not need it, but I found out that I used to save the e-mails I sent into Word files so they wouldn't be erased from the "sent" folder of my older e-mail addresses (I don't seem to be able to recall any e-mail addresses I had prior to 2005, although I had had, at least something around 4 different ones).
The thing is, I have re-read those e-mails... geez I was one needy kid sometimes , but some things I wrote did shock me... one of them was back in 2004 talking to an older German acquaintance of mine with whom I lost all contact and links as time went by, the person I first started talking in German with on a daily basis... to keep the story simple, I was trying to figure out or guess what my life would be like in 2014, that is 10 years from 2004. I actually got nothing right, not even close... not even where I'd be living... but I found out that I already knew that if I had a child, what I'd like his name to be... and I thought this was a rather recent idea, it turns out it's been there for years stored in a one-way alley in my hard-drive of a brain. Maybe the core never changes much and only the crust is what we modify over time...
Beyond this particular point of interest, other texts were found, all written by me... At some point I even thought "hey, this guy can write", and then I went like "oh, wait, this guy is/was me, holy shit". It's been nice.
Finally the winds of time, finally a slight change in the weather comes, and in my briefs I feel a chill, goosebumps up my skin. I'm glad winter is coming, slowly, but undeterred. So looking forward to being a human heater, so looking forward to the cold days.
A few moments ago I was thinking to myself "My 34th year in this planet has been rather interesting, especially the last month, I'm positive about my 35th" and I've just watched the clock and today I take a step further in my ageing while enjoying a glass of the wine I last drank while skinny dipping in a rocky beach about 100 or 150 miles from here.
I'd say so much more, but I've decided this will suffice for today. The older I get the clearer I see that although bits and pieces of my life and thoughts may be left here for posterity, I want to keep most to myself and to/with the people I live and experience things with, beside my own solitary endeavors.
Because the night is dark and full of promises...
Def Leppard's "Women"
"He was born with a passion, love and hate
A restless spirit with a need for a mate
But there was somethin' that was missin', somethin' lost
So he came with the answer, here's what it cost"
