Californication, season 6... or not

It's so frustrating having a monologue inside of me when I'm all by myself having a smoke and then all of a sudden, when I get to writing, half of it is gone...

It's been more than 3 years since my last entry. That deserves some respect, right?
Today is finally the first day when I'm all really alone by myself: no cell phone ringing, no messages, no communication. It's a feeling I've been longing for since my last relationship went down the drain, in a good way though. I've been binge-watching Californication, some of the seasons I had missed a while ago. I know, I know, a lot of folks out there think that's some shitty show, but a man has his weaknesses. I must be honest, this show has really helped me out in some of my dark times when I was lost, not completely, when I thought something was missing or I was missing out on something: it's about a fucked up dude who's lost the love of his life due to his mistakes, so many mistakes, fucked his way out of a few situations and got deeper in shit as he was trying to get his life together.
But enough about Hank, why is this so fucking important for me?
I dunno, really. I just had a beautiful moment with myself, on a house terrace, having a smoke after a whole afternoon raining. It had been about two months since I last saw any rain. It's been cleansing. I've made some mistakes over the years, and maybe I was close to making newer ones without having the slightest hint, but although I felt distressed at first, with the rain the feelings subsided. Sort of like Hank and the drink, except he's doing it to cope with his shit-trail and sometimes ends well.

I had a call today, my with ex-better half. Weird at first, comfy later, awkward altogether: I even referred to her in the friendly, lovable manner I had done throughout our relationship. I don't know how it got to there, it just happened. And then I realized: maybe I'm not really over it all, five years you know...
It's weird, really. You think you know yourself and suddenly you get to the point in which you look at yourself and say "Who the hell am I? Who did I get here? Why did I get here". It would be nice the answer were 42, but then I'd still be wondering...

Aaaaanyway, back to the story. As I was half-way on my cigarette, I looked back ten years ago approx: I was about to travel for a whole year to Germany. I was feeling both excited at the idea and loathed by my own self and the way things were going (in retrospective, it wasn't that bad, I was just peeking out of my own personal pit of self pity... 20-year-old stuff...). As I got there, I thought I knew where I'd be in ten years (aka now). Not even a single thing right... guess I'm out of the prophet business for good...

But now, all alone by myself, it is both appeasing and yet utterly awkward: I had never really enjoyed being alone as I am today, and yet hundreds of images come rushing into my mind about what I should do, where I should get, whom should I aim at getting there with. Another puff, and as the smoke clears from my lungs all these thoughts just pass as if they never existed.
I do not know what the future holds in store for me, but feeling both alone and lonely since my 5-year relationship ended has got me feeling miserable and happy at the same time. And it got me thinking that I really do not need anybody to be myself and, if bad company tags along, they're in for a taste of hell, cause I'm no longer willing to take anyone's bullshit... except maybe from by best two soul bros and my blood bro.

To all those wandering souls who may happen to fall into this pit of despair, I thank thee wholeheartedly for the minutes I've taken from you with my words. Maybe I'll write again... I just don't know yet and certainly don't feel like pushing it.
Best of luck to you all.

Yours truly,


The man reborn

Existential crisis...

Existential crisis...

Yes it is... I think...

There is something I do hate about Facebook: seeing through it the life of others I personally know reactivates the subliminal message we were branded with about what we had to do with our lives and when we had to have that achieved...

I've realized how apart I've grown from some people... I have to point out that, although it's Monday, the day began quite shitty for me. I didn't get to sleep at the time I had to yeasterday. I could get my flubby body out of bed in time, woke up in a hurry... I'm experiencing Spring-lag (the sort of jetlag you experience with time change to Summe rtime). I'm positively altered, unfocused, over-stressed...

As I was asying, I don't know how I got to looking at a friends facebook site and saw his band. I know his played from other highscholl buddies for sometime... But then I saw: they've already published their first album last year! I didn't know anything about it, I can hardly say I know them still. I see their success (and I say success because I used to aim at that) and find myself sort of lost. They are playing what I said we should be playing back in the day when we played together, about 11 years ago... So frustrating...

But that does not stop there: the grant I was applying to was for a research and lecturer position abroad. So far everything's okay. The thing is that either they switched the topic (which I clearly remember had to do with faith and nothing to do with iconography) or I'm starting to lose my mind and I'm reading what I want to read... I'm positive they changed the subject. And  all my efforts getting documents ready seem so futile know... should I still hand in the papers?

My situation is not mine alone, in the sense that there are more people out there like me... but I know none. Maybe my problem is that I know very precisely what I aim at getting. And the worst is that the world we are heading toward is neither going to make it easer nor going to be of any improvement...
yeah, yeah, I know, I get discouraged quite easily... But I also stand up again quite fast. It's just that I often get tired of fighting thesame fight everyday, seeing no change beside that I'm ageing. I see all those I've known who I still have little contact with and see where they're getting at once I'm no longer involved in the projects and can't hardly stop myself from thinking: why is it that every time I leave a project it gets better than it was when I was working my ass of in it? Does this fucking mean I shall never have no solace and find no reward in my own work?

These things, these thought I pour out here but that in real life I keep to myself, are the things that are eating me raw from the inside, more often than not, and I need to rid myself off of some tension...

I have to say, though, this last month I've gotten the idea for perhaps two academic essays... finally!

Lightheadedness

Yes, that would sort of summarixe it...

I feel sort of lightheaded, but a different sort of lightheadedness than the one gotten from smoking weed... It just felt like someone suddenly snacth the floor of my feet and all I could see underneath was a magnificent yet terrifying void...

Lost happened to me... as well to anybody else... But it's sort of big. Even the need to speak about it, but to no one in particular, has got me writing again.

After my master's thesis I was congratulated and encouraged by the jury to keep on researching, to go beyond and get a PhD...

I've been dragging my feet, postponing my duties, although I use the time to both organize the ideas in my head (I hate paper brainstormings) and to create medieval clothing for reenactment... And yes, I'm still here in Spain...

But today I got an e-mail. I read it, clicked on the link... a vacancy at the University of Oslo to get a PhD within a specific research group, a well paid 3-year research fellowship... And the topic is similar to mine...

I've just shat my pants. From to 10.000 in just a few seconds. My compass is spinning senselessly and I'm in a sea of doubt... I'm to leave everything behind... Should I? Can I?... What if it's all for naught and I don't get the job... What if I fail? What if I just play everything away and then find out that I've ended up loosing more than I feel like I could bear?...

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is fear. And for the first time in my life I truly feel completely and utterly alone.

So far, so good? Anyhow, far is the word

It's been a few months since I last wrote. Had loads of stuff in my mind... and in this case I even have a cold or some... thing that makes me cough and leaves my throat sore.

The grand master plan of migrating has to be postponed for a few months more. I'm at the brink of losing my job and on the other hand I've already been on TV with my reenactment group. I've seen people backing my words in some status updates in FB and much more...

I was getting worried: I felt tired, distressed, apathetic toward everything. Until I realized something: it's the system, it's what it wants everyone to feel: If your senses numb your thinking they can keep in power and profit from our unhappiness. Thus, I'm trying (because it ain't easy) to be relentless, I'm trying to be positive, I'm trying to only do one thing at a time... and that is really difficult for me, I mean, imagine your brain works at 100 mph... well mine goes about 300mph, and we use the same fuel, so I ran out of fuel much faster.

Anyhow, I'm not really sure where I'm headed to except that I'll turn 30 in a few months and still got my whole life ahead of me. But in the meantime... I need to finish my fucking master's thesis and present it. Sigh. I hate "academic research". I just like learning for the fun of it, I like knowing stuff and getting to understand things in a much profounder way.

I'm a useless bastard to many, but I'm just lil' ole me and me thoughts! And happy 'bout it!

Stepping into the musky office [Vintage]

[Written sometime in March, unfinished] 

What is this that has brought us to where we are? Is it our fault, is it the fault of our forbears or of everyone ever invented, created, cremated and deceased?

I only know for sure that I'm taking steps in order to prepare my incoming path which will, no doubt, be a hard one... Everything couldn't just be easy as pie... Still I'm resolute in my decision to migrate. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have no fucking idea where I'll wind up, but all I know this is to be my last year (there's no other way for me) in this fucking land of corrupt politicians and villainous blood-sucking assholes that are only worried about soccer, getting laid and going on vacation, this fucking land that has mistreated many a man and woman.

Of course you'll say "the grass is always greener on the other side"... but hey! at least they've got grass! This land is turning into a fucking desert!

So that's the complaint part so far. As for the good stuff, I also have some in store ^^

I became a teacher for a day in a master's degree class. My topic: medieval knight' arms and equipment and its evolution. I brought a bunch of stuff into class (must say that I already passed the subject which was romance literature on chivalry).

[Data missing]...I actually don't remember what I intended to say...

The enemy speaks...

Yes, I am the enemy, as most in my place and with my attitude. Why? Because we have faces, we have minds that work and we use them to think. Those in my place have functional brains and use them often instead of keeping them sedated under tons of lies and shrouds of stupidity which are the fodder the entertainment industry and ultimately banks and stock markets feed us.

Yes, I am the enemy. I re-send and re-post every bit and piece of information that I value useful to the struggle of the people for their rights, our struggle, our war. Positive news I'm reading of late such as that Iceland forced their banks to pay for their own debt instead of making the people pay. There is still hope...

A general strike without the support of the so-called unions (which no longer defend the working man and woman but the banks and the corrupt government). One strike after the other, keep the hits coming their way, let the usurpers of the people's rights and liberty loose all what they won squandering our efforts, time and labor.

Yes, I am the enemy. I think and am therefore dangerous. I am the enemy because I've defied the system since I began to make use of my reasoning abilities. I follow not the given path that was sold to my generation: go to school, go to secondary school, pop your cherry in your teens, get a weekend job and then party hard, get a degree, get a real job, get married, (all that before turning 30 or you'll be unsuccessful), get a mortgage for 30 years, have children, do not think, consume, watch television, believe your politicians, trust your banking system, retire, whither, die... No, I am the enemy.

I have always challenged the system, even if it utterly forced me to get the same results later than everyone else: in secondary school I asked why... five years to finish my last two. In college I asked why and challenged what was being "taught"... seven years to finish four.

Yes, I am the enemy and I have often challenged the "common sense". I call myself theoretical national-socialist and am against the useless, sold-out Spanish worker unions, and people call me Nazi, although I clearly set myself apart from the 3rd Reich (in what regards mass murder). I value private property and am thus called a fucking capitalist. I value and defend workers and am called communist. I proudly wear swastikas (symbol for good luck/fortune) and Thor's hammers because I'm heathen, against monotheism and I defend bloodlines and clanic behavior which enriches society and am either called a revolutionary or a Neonazi or simply stupid and deranged. I have radical feminism because it's just the complete opposite of the male dictatorship and am thus called a reactionist. I am against over-sexualization of gay love and the use of it in political agendas and am thus called a hater...

Well... I am the proud enemy and to all who label me in fear for they do not dare to challenge the system because it's easier for them to bow down and be slaves I say:

Shove it, weaklings!

My freedom, my life, my blood, my time. My mind is only mine to be built and make use of, my love is mine to give to whomever I want, my life is mine to live, my body is mine, my blood is mine to be proud of and be defended by, my heritage is mine own wherever I go. My freedom I fight for in any form I have at hand.

(A Great Man's Return by Thyrfing)

Enter 2012...

2011 began for me in the cold of Berlin, about a street away from the Brandenburger Tor. It was a dream come true, a dream I had had for like 8 years at least... the only differences were that I was wearing no kilt and that I had a wife-to-be back then. The year began quite happily for me: I played the tourist, enjoyed local food, had lots of sex and was able to see WWII stuff. But just as the trip came to an end, a crisis began and lasted about 4 months... maybe some things should have ended back then and there, but I'm a stubborn bastard and don't give up easily what I believe in. And I did believe in that "us" by then.

However, the underlying personal crisis was reaching toward a high-water-mark, and I, of course, was unaware for I supposed that if I ignored that it would get solved by itself... But no pain, no gain. That I still had to learn...

The year went ahead without major disturbances, but in a way I felt there were some things wrong in my life... and still I did not dare to look and see that I was on the wrong path. The Norns however were sending me signs... One of the good things this year brought me was reenactment, but official, in a group. And I do enjoy it. A second great change was that I quit my band, and I did so in anger...

The "I" that lived back then was only a blueprint in the making of my current "I"... And then chaos struck in early September and then later that same month. My beloved cat died with me being some 350 km away from home... I never got to say goodbye, and I started realizing I was taking too much for granted... and it wasn't

Then late September came, and I was to travel to England and visit York and the reenactment of the Battle of Hastings. And I did. But shortly before the trip things went wrong, so fucking wrong according to my binary mind at the time. And fear of loss became more of an acceptance of reality. But there was pain, oh yes there was. And one story ended just as I got to England.

Then chaos began, but positive. In pain I wrote, and suddenly the bonds between my elders and me were strengthened. And resilience I had to find. I found myself at a crossroads without knowing where to tread, and the thing is, I had already gone the wrong path for a while. So I faced myself during a reenactment event, vomited out of every pore every evil that was left in me, every ounce of pain I felt, ever bit of doubt, every grain of selflessness... and on the morrow I found myself as in the night before, unchanged, but it wasn't so... At eve I performed a private ritual and shed my blood in the manner of old in order to fulfill my vow to the gods, although that which I had asked for was never granted, but I was indebted and had to pay. And I shed good words to everyone for I felt different, sort of positive.

Suddenly my life changed. I was complete for the first time in my life, complete and proud of being who I am. And I had viking-like adventures for a few weeks. But my new "I" was still learning...

Now, many things have changed. I dared to do what I hadn't dared before. I've found myself and I'm happy and grateful for that. I've realized I hold no grudges nor have any will to for they are not worth my time. I've realized how precious life is and also where I stand amidst it all.

After the serpent's bite the dog trailed off. So the dog followed a rat till it realized the rats small multi-layered den was not to be his. Still I'm grateful for it made me realize the vielfalt in human relationships I had never wanted to understand nor could comprehend. It's not only zeroes and ones, there are many numbers in between. After the rat's dismissal a horse was found in the guise of a wolf. And the dog felt a shudder as the horse did. Time flies like Gugnir over fiendish armies... Is this the right path altogether? 

I do not doubt this IS the path. I am aware of what the Gods are giving me, of what the Norns are showing me. I believe I'm doing as instructed for there lies my true path and calling. Maybe my path will be a most tumultuous one, but mine nonetheless. I know, no matter what comes, be that pain or laughter, that that is what I deserve, what I must get in order to learn further.

As I did in Facebook, I dedicate to each and everyone my best wishes:
"To my bloodfamily, to my friends and to my clan, I wish you all the blessings of the Gods.
To my enemies, if any, I wish you find the goodness that will make this quarrels end.
To those I've met and lost over the years and to those that ever caused me pain, I thank you for all I've learned with you. May the Gods keep you all and grant you a wonderful and better 2012!!"

"How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
(…)
How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind."