All cards in

My beloved unfaithful followers, as I am your unfaithful writer, here I stand, once more before you naked in my own self, pouring out my emotional entrails.

"Jatta, jatta, jatta, give us some juice!" Maybe some of you might be thinking...

Well, 2017 is becoming an outstanding year. Hey, don't fret! It is!
I've spent some time already remembering days long gone, how I met my friends, how I suffered to evolved to the self-righteous meaningless being I am today.

Well, first off, I'm content. Content but not in the manner you are all thinking of as some sort of nerdy little prick content with a new deck of D&D cards hiding in his parents' basement.
I analyze, and overanalyze (some I know would agree), about how I've led my life. Mistakes? Many made, many more to go. For starters, it is the first time I'm writing from my own bedroom computer since 2009. Why, because I couldn't keep silent any more, because if I have to write, I'll do so on my own terms, when I need it, not when my conditions are "appropriate". You might even say I'm impulsive. And I like that thought. ;)

Aaaaanyway... I've spent a few months reviewing the evolution of my musical tastes, listening to my old high-school mix-cds (yeah, I might be old, but not old enough to keep on saying mixtapes. Up yours). And of course, as some of you might already know or be thinking, this triggered both my shallowest and deepest memories. I've gone back to places I thought I'd never see again. And these thoughts I was fortunate enough to have someone around me to share them with someone at a given point.
I like how I have gone from a guy with low self esteem more than 15 years ago, to a guy who knows what he likes and wants (at least every once in a while), a guy who is so clear toward himself that whatever the results of a certain action, he always accepts the outcome as his own responsibility, even if it is not that what he was hoping for...
You know me for my late night ramblings after a few cigarettes and some booze, but this is different, this time I have not been trying to temporarily escape my own blocks. I do miss the ritual though...

I've seen myself 15 years ago, I've seen my friends, I have felt once more the old teenage angst, the old teenage awe toward the world and the fear that went with it. And I am so grateful for my memory and how these chances have helped me evolve. My colleague once told that I am able to look at the past in a manner so clear she envies it sometimes. But yes, I do remember that day.
I'm not getting older, well, maybe physically, but not mentally,. I'm getting riper, I ponder, I analyze, I look, and I get to see beauty in places I had never expected before. I'm no longer that pessimist. I believe in my future, even if it don't shine bright. It is mine, it will be mine, and the best I can have in it is my determination, whatever may come.

Ramblings...

I've felt once more like the 20-year-old I used to be, I enjoy music once more as I did back then, I do the same stupid shit I did back then when listening to this same music, I even end up signing and dancing at work. I'm content, and I am happy. And then I find hope, but not spiritual, not in the gods nor the rituals, but through someone where my happiness can shine upon. I never asked for this gift, however long or short this may last, and my yearly highlight has already been met, found and it was sublime.

Some might argue I am suffering from Peter Pan's syndrome. Fuck you, or not. If I am, then this life is better than the one I had before.
It is amazing what you can achieve with a sincere smile and nice words to people. I might be the greatest asshole in the planet, but every night I manage to go to sleep knowing I did some good to someone to some extent. I'm happy, I'm content. Laughter I have brought, but not because I needed to see it but because I felt fortunate enough to be willing to share both my humor and my life energy in a given context in which I never required any reciprocity.

I could go on and on about this but my future me would kill me when reading this. The www does not need my happiness neither to thrive nor to exist. But some lost dark soul might be out there and maybe this endeavor of mine shall be complete by that person ending up here. after all, all what you are seeing is that part of me which I freely chose to gift you with.

Whatever may come, today I have had a smile upon my face, and everytime I look back, I see those intrigued and yet hungry eyes, looking at me with a sort of devotion and curiosity I was no longer able to conceive beyond my imagination in recent years.

One more thing will be said, and "then there was silence"