Existential crisis...

Existential crisis...

Yes it is... I think...

There is something I do hate about Facebook: seeing through it the life of others I personally know reactivates the subliminal message we were branded with about what we had to do with our lives and when we had to have that achieved...

I've realized how apart I've grown from some people... I have to point out that, although it's Monday, the day began quite shitty for me. I didn't get to sleep at the time I had to yeasterday. I could get my flubby body out of bed in time, woke up in a hurry... I'm experiencing Spring-lag (the sort of jetlag you experience with time change to Summe rtime). I'm positively altered, unfocused, over-stressed...

As I was asying, I don't know how I got to looking at a friends facebook site and saw his band. I know his played from other highscholl buddies for sometime... But then I saw: they've already published their first album last year! I didn't know anything about it, I can hardly say I know them still. I see their success (and I say success because I used to aim at that) and find myself sort of lost. They are playing what I said we should be playing back in the day when we played together, about 11 years ago... So frustrating...

But that does not stop there: the grant I was applying to was for a research and lecturer position abroad. So far everything's okay. The thing is that either they switched the topic (which I clearly remember had to do with faith and nothing to do with iconography) or I'm starting to lose my mind and I'm reading what I want to read... I'm positive they changed the subject. And  all my efforts getting documents ready seem so futile know... should I still hand in the papers?

My situation is not mine alone, in the sense that there are more people out there like me... but I know none. Maybe my problem is that I know very precisely what I aim at getting. And the worst is that the world we are heading toward is neither going to make it easer nor going to be of any improvement...
yeah, yeah, I know, I get discouraged quite easily... But I also stand up again quite fast. It's just that I often get tired of fighting thesame fight everyday, seeing no change beside that I'm ageing. I see all those I've known who I still have little contact with and see where they're getting at once I'm no longer involved in the projects and can't hardly stop myself from thinking: why is it that every time I leave a project it gets better than it was when I was working my ass of in it? Does this fucking mean I shall never have no solace and find no reward in my own work?

These things, these thought I pour out here but that in real life I keep to myself, are the things that are eating me raw from the inside, more often than not, and I need to rid myself off of some tension...

I have to say, though, this last month I've gotten the idea for perhaps two academic essays... finally!